On My Mind


I can’t say I remember the very first time it happened, but I can remember what it felt like almost 20 years ago.  Sitting in a nothing-major class at community college.  Feeling suddenly like I may die.  Squeezing, burning, choking, paralyzing.  I remember it happening again and again those first few months of my only year in college.  In math class, in biology lab. 

I remember going to the doctor, being put on medication. Driving to school in the mornings and not remembering how I got there.  Feeling like there was something more.  Something worse no one was looking at long enough to diagnose.

I remember searching for answers.  Going to doctors and getting scans and being treated like I was faking.  Making it up.  “I don’t see anything wrong with her.”

I remember going to work and coming home and waking up at ten at night thinking I had forgotten to do something and driving into town and double checking the office at midnight.  I remember wanting to crawl under my desk.  I remember walking out because it was just too much for me to handle. 

I remember it going away for a while.  And coming back.  And going away.  I can feel it right in the center of my chest right now as I type. 

I remember laying in my bathroom floor before a meeting not too many years ago, maybe 8.  Thinking I was surely dying.  On the floor.  Thinking I wasn’t enough.  Not smart enough.  Not strong enough.  They’d see through me and abandon me and the world would fall apart. 

I remember my husband.  Learning about all of this while I was learning about all of this.  Holding my hand.  Rubbing my feet.  Telling me to chill. Worrying but not leaving.  Never leaving just letting me be crazy for a minute or an hour or a month.

I remember last year, last month, last week.  Always dealing with it but finally dealing with it.

Finding a medical professional who looks at me as a person, not as a set symptoms.  As a living, breathing mom and wife with hormones and allergies and autoimmune disease and as someone who had dealt with some heavy stuff over the years and despite it all survived and dare I say thrived. Finding an antidepressant that helped with the chemical imbalance in my brain that IS depression.  Also, though teaching me other ways to calm anxiety.  To breathe.  To exercise when I don’t feel like it.  To meditate.  Breathe in for seven, hold for two, out for 5. As many times as I need to.

Finding a core group of friends, who no matter the distance between visits or texts or calls, are always there and always true.  To find mentors who reach back with a hand to pull me up. 

I remember always thinking it was for a reason, every single thing I’ve been through.  It’s why I’m passionate about helping others.  Anxiety is a beast, a thief, and a liar.  It makes good days bad and bad days unbearable.  But there is hope.  I am proof.  So many times, over the last 20 years I could have stopped.  Given in. Worn my diagnoses around my neck as an excuse not to excel.  But I didn’t.  And I have. And I will continue to excel.  Because I want you to too.  I want you to always have hope and to never give up on yourself and to know it may not be good right now, but it will be soon.  You just have to keep breathing.  Everything else is figureoutable.  

She, confident in her ability to help others, released her anxiety out into the wild.

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18 thoughts on “Anxiety.

  1. We look at a person and think they have everything together. Why can’t I be like her? Thank you for sharing Mindy. You have inspired me to believe all things are possible. I was always positive with Aloette and in the last few years, I started thinking I am too old, (70 this year), I can’t handle all the new changes. Reading your blogs has inspired me to believe I can get my business back on track. I will be in Ireland with my daughter & her husband & my sister. I will offer the opportunity to book & share the opportunity with everyone. I thank God that I have not been depressed but my mom dealt with depression and in her days you didn’t talk about it because people would think you were nuts. God bless you Mindy for sharing your heart and may our Heavenly Father continue to bless you in every way. Love you, Marie.

  2. I feel this on every level. So thankful for answers and for you and others that helped me find the person that helped me find the path.

  3. WOW!!! The things we all go through and no one knows. I believe we are all stronger than what we give ourselves for. I know me myself never thought I would be where I am today but the God in my life and good Christian friend and my church to stay with me I am strong.

    I think you are a beautiful lady inside and out Mindy. ❤️❤️❤️

  4. I LOVE this!!! I don’t personally deal with anxiety, but I have some really close friends that do and I think this will give them a glimmer of hope.

  5. I’m so thankful you found answers. When I look at you I see a young, beautiful, and successful woman. I think the majority of us have more going on inside than what people see on the outside. I’m sure your sharing will help others search for the help they need also. I experienced anxiety that bad during a period when I was physically sick and it took months and several doctors for a diagnosis so I know how it feels.

  6. I remember always having anxiety, some depression occasionally, but mainly social anxiety. It got really bad during student teaching. The feeling of my chest becoming so tight is something I feel some time to time. I struggle with this still but have definitely found ways to ease it. Thanks for posting this.

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